Is It Really Erectile Dysfunction?
Writen by Olivia.
First, let me share my definition of true Erectile Dysfunction: the loss of the ability to get or maintain an erection due to a breakdown in neural or muscular function or control—often caused by chemotherapy, advanced age, or other neurological conditions. What follows is my personal take on why I believe many men who are being labeled—either by themselves or by doctors—as having ED, don’t actually have ED. I’m offering fresh perspectives on why this is so common, and natural ways to restore a healthy erection and relationship with your sexual energy.
Lately, I’ve had the blessing of working with many different clients who are navigating the experience of not getting erections when or how they want to. Many of them are taking Cialis or similar medications and come to me wondering if this is something that can be healed naturally—or if “tantra” has anything to offer in the realm of erections.
I’m always deeply moved when a client comes with this question—“Do I have ED, and what can I do about it?”—because it’s such a tender and vulnerable topic. And through working with so many men, I’ve really come to understand how painful it can be to not have an erection when you want one. So if you’re reading this and relating in any way—thank you. Thank you for your courage to explore and be vulnerable with this part of yourself.
Erectile Dysfunction
Erections are placed on such a high pedestal in our collective view of masculine sexuality. The idealized phallus, the constant emphasis on hardness and size—it all creates immense pressure on penises to be hard and stay hard. And the porn industry doesn’t help. It’s absolutely flooded with artificial erections—enhanced by injections, implants, or pills—that give a totally distorted view of what an erection “should” be or do.
From my perspective, the porn industry and the pharmaceutical industry are deeply intertwined. Both are billion- or trillion-dollar empires, and the well-being of the average person is not their primary concern. Power and profit are.
The porn industry fuels unhealthy expectations around erections, and this feeds the pharmaceutical industry as men turn to medications like Cialis to meet those expectations. On top of that, porn consumption and frequent ejaculation are linked to a host of health issues and depressive symptoms. It’s a loop. The habits formed through porn use lead directly to the very symptoms men are medicating. But that’s a topic for another day.
So where does that leave your average man?
It leaves him believing that his natural fluctuations in erection—or difficulty getting hard when he doesn’t feel fully safe, connected, or relaxed—are somehow abnormal.
Let me be clear:
That’s just not true.
To borrow the words of a colleague I adore, Laurie Handlers: “Penises go up, and penises go down.”
Fluctuations in erection are completely normal and healthy. So many things can influence this: thoughts taking you out of your body, shifts in sensation, room temperature, energy, safety… Also: not getting an erection every time you’re with someone you think you want to sleep with is normal too. We must remember to see a man as a whole being—including his heart. When a man doesn’t feel safe, his body may not respond with an erection. And that’s wise.
I call this: the wisdom of the cock.
First-time experiences, sex with new partners, paid encounters, or any moment where there aren’t strong boundaries or clear agreements—these are common times when erections don’t happen.
Sometimes, the absence of an erection is your body signaling that a deeper conversation needs to happen.
Creating Safety
Even if you’re in the heat of the moment, and you notice you’re not getting hard and you suspect it has to do with feeling safe—pause. Stop. Ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe right now with this person?
Then try asking your partner: “Can we pause for a moment? There’s something I’d like to share with you.” Tell them what you need. Ask if they’re willing to support that. Yes, this is a simple suggestion—but it can be powerful. And yes, it might take multiple experiences to re-pattern communication like this.
Sometimes, the message is even clearer: it’s just not the right person, or the right moment. And when we stop forcing ourselves and start trusting our bodies, we begin to rebuild that inner trust.
Another big cause of what gets labeled as ED?
Over-ejaculation
When a man ejaculates too frequently, the body may literally be saying: I need to rest—I don’t want to get hard right now. I have another blog post on edging that dives deeper into this, but simply put: if you’re over 30 and ejaculating more than once a week, please check that out. It might be one of the key factors for you.
One final reframe: erectile dysfunction may actually be erectile weakness.
The penis is a muscle like any other—and it needs exercise. If a man masturbates the same way for 30, 40, or 60 years, the penis will only be able to hold the amount of blood and pleasure it’s been conditioned for. It’s like lifting the same weight for decades—you won’t build new strength unless you slowly and intentionally increase the load. Edging is a beautiful way to build erection strength. Again, see my edging blog for more. Another simple practice: try withholding the flow of urine once or twice a day to strengthen those pelvic muscles.
And finally—if this resonates and you want to go deeper, I’d love to support you. Book a coaching session or an in-person Tantric healing session with me. It would be my honor to walk alongside you in reclaiming your full sexual vitality.
