We all know about IQ, emotional intelligence, kinesthetic intelligence, and so forth. But what do we know about sexual intelligence? The term isn’t well-known, nor is it something that has been developed traditionally.
Sexual intelligence can be distinguished by two dimensions: The first involves sexual energy that brings forth life in all that is alive — animals, human beings, and plants. This intelligence was around long before we became aware of ourselves, long before we knew about E=mc2. It’s a built-in intelligence present in sexual energy, given by nature, God, or the eternal consciousness. Sexual energy is the spark of this divine intelligence that created us.
The second dimension of sexual intelligence involves the human capacity to be self-reflective or aware of one’s own existence, and particularly of one’s life force energy that is sexual in nature. In contrast to animals, which can only follow their procreative wiring when in heat, human beings have the potential to bring awareness and consciousness to their sexual selves — their feelings, thoughts, sensations, and behaviors — which can create the opportunity to be at choice regarding the use of their life force or sexual energy. Therefore, as reflective humans, we can develop the capacity to bring awareness to the spark of life within us and use this not only in sexual acts, but to create our whole lives. Our inquiry focuses on sexual intelligence that entails the systemic relationship of creativity and pleasure built into life force or sexual energy that can be found everywhere in life. We are particularly interested in bringing light to that systemic relationship inherent in the manifestation of sexual energy for the sake of consciously and joyously creating our lives, relationships, and careers.
As we learned in our physics and chemistry classes in school, energy can take many forms:
- Electrical energy lights up the sky during thunderstorms and illuminates our homes at night.
- Kinetic energy sends a ball flying through the air when we hit it with a bat.
- Chemical energy drives our bodies’ systems and keeps us moving physically.
- Thermal energy can heat our houses and the food we eat.
However, absent from high school and college curricula is human energy as it manifests in our bodies and consciousness. Human life force energy is sexual in nature (though we are not talking here about traditional sex education) and encompasses a range of states from subtle to intensely aroused. We become aware of this energy when it shows up in procreation, when we are having sex, but it can also be much vaster than and just as potent as what we experience during sex. It can be used to create whatever we want to bring into our lives such as good health, well-being, fulfilling relationships, endeavors, and/or careers. The sex act is one way of experiencing and using sexual energy, but not the only way; intercourse is one stage on the continuum of experiencing sexual energy. Without sexual energy to spark our desires, none of us would be here. It is fundamental not just to human existence but to all of life as we know it and has been present since the very dawn of creation.
Though we cannot see it, life force or sexual energy is ever-present, both when we are aroused in the bedroom and when we are at rest and sex is the furthest thing from our minds — and during every state in between. It’s there when we’re doing mundane tasks like cooking dinner or getting dressed in the morning. Sexual energy in its physical manifestation and experience is unique in that it’s creative and pleasurable. This allows for the continuing existence of life, which is part of us by nature. We can learn to draw on this awareness of creativity and pleasure, similar to when we’re in a loving space or viewing a work of art or anything in which we regularly find joy. Our contention is that when life force or sexual energy is unencumbered and free of past personal stories and collective interpretations that no longer serve us, creativity and pleasure are more accessible to us everywhere in life: where we live, in the people we surround ourselves with, in the work we do. When we learn sexual consciousness practices, creativity and pleasure start showing up as a default way of being in the simple process of living.
Becoming the Observer
Sexual intelligence begins when we bring intention and focused attention to our life force or sexual energy. Unlike animals that work simply on biological imperatives to keep their kind from becoming extinct, we have the ability to become the observer of our desires, impulses, wants, fears, and joys. Of course we’re wired in that biological dimension as well; in the big picture we’re animals ourselves, and it’s our inherent mission to continue to thrive generation after generation. In this dimension of sexual energy, we are machines — it doesn’t require consciousness on our part. It’s automatic and just happens whether we’re aware of it or not. What separates us from the beasts, then, is the second dimension of bringing consciousness to sexual energy — our ability to be self-reflective or aware of our own existence, what we call the observer of the self. This uniquely human capacity allows us to rise above the biological miracle we have been put here to perform and recognize that we are at choice in how we live, feel, and act, including our sexual beingness. Being at choice means we are able to see what is versus what we think should be. This allows us to become clear about what we truly want and take effective action toward fulfilling it.
When we are aware of being at choice regarding our sexual beings we can tap into and use our sexual energy in a multitude of ways depending on what we want to create in our lives and relationships. We can use it in the sex act. We can connect with our sacredness and deepen the intimate connection with our beloved. We can integrate our sexual, emotional, and spiritual being. We can use it to fuel our work creatively or connect consciously with the people around us. Developing this state of mind is essential to working with sexual energy, to tapping in to it and utilizing it to create fulfilling lives for ourselves. Without the observer mind, we can be doomed to an eternity of automatic and habitual behaviors that often produce suffering and a sense of being victimized by life. In other words, we live devoid of creativity and pleasure.
As a good example of the observer, let’s look at a moose walking through a forest, just going along its merry way. Then, suddenly, a big tree falls right in front of her. The moose looks at the tree, lifts her nose to smell it, then nibbles on the tree’s twigs and leaves. As she eats, rain starts to fall. The moose raises her head, enjoying and tasting the drops that fall on her face. When she’s had her fill she simply finds her way around the fallen tree and continues on her journey. Now say a human is walking through the forest when suddenly a big tree falls right in front of him. He’ll look angrily at the tree, cursing and huffing: “Now I’m going to be late for my meeting. And what about my wife and children and my retirement fund? I have to make a bridge to get where I need to go! What? It’s raining too?” Throwing his hands up in despair and disgust, he’ll exclaim, “Why me, God? Why me?” Becoming like the moose allows us to be in the present moment, witness what is, notice how we feel, and watch the chatter, thoughts, and interpretations in our minds. As humans we are programmed to dwell on the drama that’s already passed instead of focusing on the present. Instead of getting caught up in this chatter of our minds, we can cultivate our capacity to be like the moose — simply to be with what is happening right here and now. In this witness or observer state we are connected with ourselves and tap in to stillness and peace — and that’s the space where we can become sexually intelligent.