Touch Trauma – Nathan’s Story
by Tracy Lee
Nathan is a client who came to me to fill the void of touch and intimacy that for the last several years had been missing in his marriage after his wife acquired a chronic illness. Time was long-overdue for Nathan to see a provider, but dedication, devotion and great love for his wife hindered him for years. Finally, as the void of intimacy tore at his heart, he recognized that this was also eating away at his soul. With regret and courage, he started reaching out for support.
Nathan was desperate for touch, but terrified of intimacy with me, a stranger. It was almost a grin-and-bear-it attitude for him to accept my touch. He would “check out” at times, aka disassociate, or I would see his face tense up and he would hold his breath. As I worked with him, I learned these signs of him drifting. I began gently probing with questions to keep him engaged with me. “How are you doing?” What are you noticing?” “Is there something else you’d like?” As he began to get comfortable with me and feel safe, he spoke about a sexual encounter gone wrong in his 20’s. Over several sessions Nathan was able to speak more and more to how severely that encounter 30 plus years ago and subsequent touch trauma had affected his sexual confidence and limited his experiences.
His story was this: He and Mary were attracted to each other, but both naive and nervous. After getting to know each other a bit they agreed to play a little bit. They kissed. Mary freaked out and bolted. Nathan was unable to get any clarity on what happened then, and sadly, ever from Mary. He even tried again with no success while we were working together. This left a deep wound of, “Even if I get a Yes, it’s not safe for me to be intimate with a woman.” Nathan now carried a perpetual fear of doing something wrong or hurtful to his partners.
It was tough to hear about and witness the wounding. Having Nathan share this information did lead to healing. We were several sessions in at this point as Nathan was determined to experience intimacy without fear. What finally tipped him over into joy around intimacy was me offering consent and affirmations every 30 seconds while he touched and explored my body. “You have permission to touch me”, “You still have permission to touch me”. Over and over again I would gently speak these statements. 30 seconds became one min, then two. As we worked more, I could truthfully say, “Your touch feels amazing” or “I love your touch” intermingled with the permission statements. After that Nathan stopped “checking out” in sessions. We began eye gazing, sharing smiles between us. I watched a beautiful caring soul emerge. This gentle man, initially starved and terrified, was finally enjoying fully intimate encounters. We had built a deep trusting relationship. Doing so well, I asked Nathan if he would like me to invite another provider to join us. He said yes, even though I did see the deer-in-headlights-oh-shit look flash across his face. This two-provider session was another tipping point. Now Nathan had two ladies touching him with smiles and joy. His touch was received well and appreciated by us both.
Through these encounters Nathan regained trust in himself and slowly began to explore with other providers I recommended. Rope Play, Girlfriend Experiences, and returning for more solo and duo sessions with me. He was like a kid let loose in a candy store. Giddy and oh so grateful.
I’m Tracy Lee, Sexual Visionary Guide in Everett, WA www.maturebuxompixie.com
I began this work after friends kept turning to me for relationship and intimacy advice. I have an intense curiosity for learning and exploration. My deep presence, coupled with childlike playfulness help clients feel safe and at ease with me.
I have training in mindfulness, Reiki healing, pelvic massage, tantra, and somatic therapy. In sessions we address what you think and how that affects what you feel. This combination frees you to accept yourself to enjoy pleasure longer, with more sensation and intensity, without societal guilt or shame.
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