The Secret Spice
How to find what you are craving in sex?
by Tracy Lee
What does your sex life look like?
What would you like it to be?
Are you in the NRE (New Relationship Energy) stage, where you can’t get enough of this new, hot, amazing person in your life? The sex is incredible. This person is a perfect lover. You gladly give up sleep for more, more, MORE!
Are you in the groove with your steady, loving, secure partner? Sex is pleasurable. It’s mostly regular. You find that cuddling, nurturing touch, and pillow talk are just as rewarding as the physical part.
Are you in the “relief sex” phase? This is “Whew, I needed that!!” sex.
Are you conscious of what type of sex you are having? Can you see patterns?
For example, relief sex is a pattern of using sex to relieve stress. Stress can come from deadlines at work, raising children, financial troubles, or a host of other things. It can even occur when things are unstable in the relationship or some outside force is threatening it. After sex do you heave a sigh of “Oh, finally, a good moment between us” or “I finally feel safe and that you really do want me”? How satisfying is this type of sex? Sometimes the relief can seem like pleasure. Relief can bring pleasure, but what caused what?
Which of these sounds like you? Are you a combination of some or all?
How can you become more conscious and intentional about sexuality? One way is to ask powerful questions.
What are you craving? What do you really want your sex life to be like?
Think back to one of your most amazing experiences. It was so amazing that you felt great for days. The craving was fed. Was it the sex that did that? Or was it a particular piece of the encounter that allowed you to feel safe enough to open up? Was it the 30 minutes of cuddling that started it all? The romantic candlelight dinner where you shared your true self and your partner shared back? Did you eye-gaze? Were you on vacation and the challenges and distractions of home were gone? Maybe it was an intense quickie that was rough-and-tumble, releasing pent-up stress and anxiety.
Examining our amazing encounter is how to find the “secret spice” to what we crave. It may have been a one time experience where everything lined up perfectly. But what if it was something you could re-create? If you can find the spice, understanding what really made it special, you can bring it to your next encounter.
Part of finding the spice is slowing down enough to really feel into your body and ask, “What would feel amazing right now?” Be in the present. Don’t be trapped by past experiences. The past could pressure you into thinking that an experience needs to play out a certain way or an orgasm must happen. What if just holding hands and eye-gazing would truly feed you right now? Is it okay to ask for that?
If no experience comes to mind, try to notice what works with the next one. Break it down afterwards. We cuddled. I got a foot massage, then erotic kissing, and so forth. What was the secret spice, the item that shifted the balance to deep pleasure? The piece that satisfied you for days?
And if it didn’t show up? Go back in your mind and see if you can discover the craving you didn’t realize you needed to receive that sated, fed feeling. If something doesn’t work, consciously try new things and keep asking questions. You’ll find your way just by mixing things up and being aware.
Sex is great, amazing, messy, and at times can be awkward, boring and downright awful. None of us were taught sex. We sure didn’t come with a user manual. So, write your own. What turns you on? What turns you off? Each of us is uniquely different. Write your manual and watch how it changes, and how you blossom. Share it with your partner. Make it okay for both of you to explore.
Experimentation. Asking powerful questions. Awareness. Curiosity. Safety and permission to explore. These are all part of discovering your secret spice. Once discovered, you can use them to create your own sexual recipes and find truly fulfilling experiences in an intentional, repeatable way.
If you would like some help finding your Secret Spice contact me.